They are still talking through my door, completely unaware that 1) I can’t here them and 2) I don’t care. Its something I have become use to, staff, pretending that they care about you when all they are doing really is following ‘protocol’ but, like I said, I don’t care. I roll over onto my belly and continue to keep my boyfriend updated of what is going on. ‘tell them to fuck off’ he says, duh, I have already done that, but I play it cool and tell him I will and that I have and blah blah blah. My phone goes on my pillow as I get up and turn my music up louder, I might as well make the most of my anger, so I start working out. 40 jumping jacks, 30 squats, 20 sit ups and 10 press ups. I do this till they go. I managed to do 18 sets with 60 minuet planks between before they eventually leave. I know what they are doing, following protocol. My door is locked and I am not responding to them, so they have to call the police. I calmly walk to my wardrobe and put my coat and shoes on before climbing out of bedroom window. They don’t know I broke the restrictors on my window, but they will soon find out. As I’m walking down the road I pull out a cigarette and light it up, silently moaning about every single little thing. Why do I still have to live there anyway, I turn 18 in five months, then I will be able to live on my own so what is the point in all this shit in the mean time? I haven’t self-harmed since December, well, they don’t think I have self-harmed since December and they have no idea about me losing weight so what’s the point, might as well move out now cos ill I’m going to do is cause shit for them till they move me. Why? Because I can. James is calling me, so I answer.
‘Where are you?’ he asks me.
‘Out’ I reply inhaling the thick smoke, waiting till I exhale before asking
‘Cos I just got a call from them pricks saying that u have ran away’ he tells me, I can’t tell whether he is annoyed at me of the staff.
‘I haven’t run away I have gone for a walk, if I had run away I would already be on the bus to yours, they can call it what they want but there is nothing wrong with going for a walk.’ He knows im pissed off or more pissed off than usual at least.
‘Well they have called the police on you, why are u kicking off anyway?’ he asks.
I am blunt.
‘Because I care??’ he raises his voice at me.
‘But why though, we both know you will get tired of me soon and leave, so cut the foreplay’ I spit at him
‘What the fuck Ashleigh why are you being like this?’ he sounds hurt but I don’t really care to be honest.
‘You didn’t deny it’ I reply, as I put the cigarette out on the back of my hand.
‘Why are u pushing me away’
‘You still haven’t denied it’ I can’t even be bothered with him anymore.
‘you know what, fine push me away, you did this, not me.’ He hangs up and I put my phone away.
I do the same thing with all of them, seeing which ones actually make an effort to stay, he didn’t even make it passed the first test so I’m not gonna cry over him. I don’t really know what he found attractive in me anyway. No one wants a fat girl? He said its cause I had passion, and that I knew how to fight for myself. Well im clearly a girl he cant handle so bye. I only realise I was walking to my mams when im on her street, so I turn down a ally and head to my old best friend’s house. She is still under the impression that we are friends, completely unaware that I am using her for weed, but she gives it to me for free so why not?
She is all smiles when she answers the door but I ignore her and head to her room. She talks about school and boys and work, all the cliché things that normal girls care about. She soon stops when she sees me take a ten bag and go back down stairs.
‘arnt you staying?’ she asks, the desperate tone in her voice makes me feel sick, I hate desperate girls. I ignore her and walk out, she knew I wasn’t staying, that’s why she asked. Its well passed two am now so I walk to Stuarts park, ignoring my grumbling belly. Its only testing my will power, well ill show it that I am strong, that I know how to say no to food, food is nothing but poison anyway. I get to my usual bench and pull out a carryre bag from the bush nect to it, my green bong is still there, along with my purse with my EEs in it. The high is good, and combined from the high I get from a lack of food it feels even better, like I am walking through the air and my feet arnt even touching the ground.